February 14, 2013

Give me a card and you’re set.

Kitty loves sleep.

I don’t like romance. I mean, I love it in movies and books and stuff, but in real life, it creeps me out. Taking the trash out is so much more meaningful to me. A six-pack is better enjoyed than flowers that will die (don’t get me wrong, I love flowers, but I have to hide them in my bathroom or take them to work because the cats will eat them – also, I feel kinda bad about the death of pretty flowers in general). Being serenaded seems like it would be so UNCOMFORTABLE. Where does one look? No one actually gazes into their loved ones eyes whilst being sung to. No one gazes into their loved ones eyes at all, except maybe for a few seconds. If romance is your thing, I’m not knocking it. It’s just not mine. But as far as V-Day goes, I’m not into it. Besides, my birthday is less than a month away and I DO love celebrating my birthday.

Moosh loves being near his mommy.

The kitties got me a card this year. Amazing, particularly because they don’t have opposable thumbs, means with which to get to the store to buy a card, or jobs with which to pay for said card. I guess this makes it that much more amazing that they got me one. Of course, the boyfriend did too. After almost 10 years, he knows that while I don’t care for cheesy romantical crap, I love me a damn card. So impressed the kitties know this as well. Glad they didn’t try to sign it with paw prints. The last time that was attempted, it was our cat Jager, who made a paw print with Jagermeister on my Mother’s Day card. Yeah, that went over well.

But anyway, it was a regular ol’ day for me. Work, gym, then more work. I do feel a TEENY BIT MORE loved by all my boys tonight. Wow, that made me sound like a slut. Just to be clear, I meant the boyfriend and the 2 furry sons. Really.

February 10, 2013

Laaaazy bones.

I suppose that it’s not so much that I’m lazy, because I work two jobs, and by definition alone I think that makes me un-lazy. But this week has been kind of a rough one (nothing horrible, just busy busy busy) so on my off time, which isn’t much, I’ve been a slug. So no posts, because that involves thinking, and I’ve had to do far too much of that this week.

Even the cats haven’t done anything interesting. They’ve been their annoying selves, no more, no less.

Moosh likes to follow me in the bathroom and jump in the tub for no apparent reason.

Moosh kind of has a new thing. It’s not really NEW-new, but he’s doing it now more consistently. He’ll wait outside the bathroom or the bedroom in a spot you wouldn’t really notice him, e.g. on towels on the floor waiting to be washed (they were used earlier in the week to sop up an out of control foaming dishwasher. We thought it was broken until the boyfriend discovered that he’d used dishwashing soap instead of dishwasher detergent. Same brand, and the soap is in a different container than it used to be, he just grabbed and used. Had to shop vac out the suds and rinse with olive oil. Yup, that’s what works. So proud of him. He googled all this himself!) and on top of the scanner on the bookcase attached to the desk (think I’ve talked about this spot before). But anyway, when you walk out and don’t notice him, which you won’t, because he’s black and blends in with every piece of clothing that I have, he meows with the head nod like “Hey. What up?” I think he’s kinda gangsta.

So I realize this is the “live long and prosper” sign…but hey, I was on the spot. At least I’m not going to get beat up for flashing some real gang sign. Unless there’s a gang of trekkies who use that. But I think I’m pretty safe.

That’s a lovely segue into the only other interesting thing from this week. My newest million dollar idea. This is a good one. I’m going to be a rapper. The fact that I’m not really sure if I can rap is besides the point, I have an awesome rap name. Double C L. Crazy Cat Lady. It doesn’t even matter if you have talent these days, it’s all about the gimmick, and BAM! That’s a good one. So far, only a few of my girl friends think this is a great idea, I asked some of the black guys I work with and they think I’m crazy. I assume ADORABLY crazy. Apparently I’m going to have to market to white chicks. So what if I don’t have a booty? Part of the gimmick. If I can get washboard abs ever, I’ll get MEOW tattooed on my stomach in old english. WHAT WHAT! Weezy ain’t got nothin’ on me. Except, um, money, producers, a codeine habit. Beyotch, I got a kitty habit. Ooh! First rap, right there.

This idea will probably go down with all the others, but at the very least, it’s amused me while being lazy.

I will end this post with lyrics from 2 Chainz. Because he’s awesome.

“Me and my ^#%# pass your ho like a hot potato
I be like you could get her, he be like you could get her
I be like you could have her, he be like you could have her
He be like, it don’t matter, I be like, me neither”

February 3, 2013

You learn a lot about people by their search terms.

WordPress has some lovely features regarding tracking the statistics of who’s reading your blog. Of course it’s rather egotistical of me to enjoy seeing how many people are reading my blog, but that’s ok with me. Although I do this because I enjoy it, I’m not the kind of writer who writes just to write. I want to be loved. Adored. Given accolades.

Part of the tracking includes what search terms users entered to arrive at one’s page. It’s highly interesting.

For instance, “super troopers” is the #1 search term used (I wrote a post about the “meow” game in the movie, it’s a cinematic masterpiece). Interesting mostly because this is a blog about cats, and I get the most hits from a (hilariously amazing) movie about blundering state troopers battling corrupt cops transporting pot with only one tiny scene involving the word “meow” which technically doesn’t even mention the word “cat.” This probably means my SEO skills need work (I’m working on it). Case in point, the second highest search term is “super troopers meow.” At least I know the people visiting my page have excellent taste in humor.

#3: meow puns. NOW we’re talking. In case you didn’t notice the name of my blog, it’s a pun. Punny!

Moosh prefers to read his news in print rather than over the interwebz.

Then there’s a bunch of variations of the above, plus a bunch of other cat-related things.

Now, I’m sure if someone looks into MY search term history, it would also be interesting. I like random things and I like looking them up. You never know what combination of words is going to get you to the destination you desire. But looking at the list of terms used by others, I feel fairly normal.

One person, obviously someone after my own heart, typed in “i dont wanna taco bout it im not kitten right now.” Love it. Don’t know what they expected to find with that. I should search that myself.

“which black panther like house cat hisses like a snake and meows like a child?” – God, I REALLY need to search these things myself. That’s gonna have to be my next in-depth blog.

“meow twitter fantasy football” – it’s entirely possible that I used that same search term trying to think of funny names for my fantasy football teams.

There’s a bazillion more interesting terms, but this is enough for today. If you’re reading this and you’re also a blogger who looks at their search term summary, please feel free to share YOUR oddest ones. I would love to hear them.

February 2, 2013

It’s Caturday, and I’m lazy.

Yeah. So I’m lazy. Again. I DID manage to take my lazy ass to the mall today (I hate the mall) to spend christmas gift cards. I even bought a sensible dress for work. It’s leopard print, so I suppose it’s not TOO sensible, but nevertheless, sensible for me. The rest of my day has consisted of taking pictures of cats. I thought I’d share.

Do enjoy.

Taco loves his Neko toy.

Moosh also loves the Neko toy. For such a sweetie, he has serious fangs.

Naptime. Play hard, sleep hard.

Ditto.

And for the pièce de résistance…a demonstration of how to TRULY enjoy a lazy Caturday. Hope you’re making the most of yours.

January 27, 2013

1 vegan, 3 carnivores.

If you’ve read this blog before, you may know that I’m a vegan. I’m not one of those horrible militant ones who don’t speak to people who eat animal products. I was a vegetarian from ages 15-21, when suddenly I decided I wanted a chicken sandwich. Then I was a meat-eater until I think age 24 (I’ve totally forgotten how long it’s been) when I decided to cut out all animal products all together and follow a vegan lifestyle. This was due to a variety of reasons, the first being that I have a weak stomach and I never really liked meat all that much anyway – the whole idea of it grosses me out. I’ve also never really been a big fan of cheese, which I have found is unimaginable to a great deal of people. I hate eggs. I never drank milk. And I read Skinny Bitch, which I thought was just a book telling you in very mean ways that you have to stop eating crap and stop eating so much in general. I mean, it was, but the crap they tell you to stop eating is animal products. I’ve known a lot of uppity vegans so I was hesitant to go for it but I kept reading and decided screw it, it’s not like I eat that much animal anyway. I did not, however, realize how many animal products are hidden in regular ones, resulting in cutting myself off from an awful lot of food. You wouldn’t believe how many products sneak whey in.

But although I stay pretty close to totally vegan, my world won’t come to an end if I don’t. Depending on how hungry I am when we go to restaurants (you don’t want to see me hungry, I get HANGRY), I may or may not feign innocence as to asking what exactly is blah-blah made with. I try to only buy faux leather but sometimes I forget to look and you know, oops. I eat honey. Sounds weird to have to say that, but some vegans don’t. I mean, even white sugar isn’t vegan, it’s processed with animal bones. I use raw sugar myself, but I don’t not eat things with sugar in it.

The point. The boyfriend and the cats are solid meat eaters. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked if my cats are vegan. Is there no logic left in the world? I’ve also had plenty of shocked reactions when I tell people my significant other eats meat. What? How can this be? A MEAT EATER and a NON MEAT EATER living in the same house? Egads! More amazingly, sometimes I MAKE meat meals for him! I feed the cats meat! OH, THE HORRORS!

Yup, that’s meat. Real meat. I don’t let my kitties eat byproducts. Except for the stupid prescription food. I hate that.

I have no real point to this story other than that earlier I was putting stuff in the crockpot to make chicken gumbo for the boyfriend. I’m not a huge fan of cutting raw chicken but I can manage. However…fresh andoille (sp?) sausage…that is apparently my grossout breaking point. I made the boyfriend cut that. I can’t even look at the crockpot right now. I’m still nauseous just thinking about it. As a polack, I grew up on kielbasa. I’m so glad that I didn’t comprehend what it was then. I could never ever ever eat that again. I suppose it’s better than the traditional Polish blood soup that my dad had to eat when he was a kid, though.

Blech.

January 26, 2013

What will YOU do with your tax refund?

For many, tax time means paying money. For me, it means a fat refund. See, I know that it’s just giving the tax man interest-free monies, but I suck at saving, so really, that money is in far better hands, interest or not. A few years ago I got screwed (they changed the tax laws, as usual, and those of us with two jobs who were unprepared for it got surprised) so now I take out extra every week to avoid such unpleasantries in the future. So I’m getting a refund. Most of this refund will go in the bank, but this year, I think I’m going to splurge on the kitties.

I’m finally buying a cat tree.

It’s a little expensive, but I never did get around to building the one I threatened to (see my post about it here) and I found one I like that’s not in the thousands of dollars.

Does that cat have 6 toes??? I love Hemingway cats!

It’s got sisal in the bottom nook and a pad on one part.

This is the Sebastian something-or-other. It’s not that much more expensive than the traditional trees of this size (I use the term “tree” loosely here) and it fits with my modern Ikea look. I’m excited. I already filed my taxes even though the IRS doesn’t start processing them until the 30th.

I showed the boyfriend last night. His response was the “dismissive head nod/half eyeroll/smirk.” This pissed me off. For someone who is always complaining that the cats take over the house, I thought that he would LOVE that I’m taking his feelings into consideration and buying something that looks more like furniture than a tacky carpet tower. I had already had a few adult beverages at this point (it was Friday. I had a long week.) and so of course, I felt compelled to respond with something like “way to be passive aggressive,” he said “don’t the cats already have enough shit” and then I stomped outside. By the time I finished my smoke, I’d already decided to leave it be and continue on with my plans. My best friend once told me the best way to get things done around the house is to just do them and then act as if whatever you did has always been like that. It works. To my surprise, the boyfriend APOLOGIZED for not being more excited about it, and told me that he just didn’t want to see me waste more money on crap the cats will ignore. I was very touched by this. A significant other recognizing FEELINGS! Even after almost ten years. I almost cried (seriously, but I’m also PMSing, so I think hormones had a little to do with the threat of tears).

Even if the cats ignore it (which I doubt, Moosh’s new spot is on top of the bookcase attached to my desk, on top of a scanner he probably shouldn’t be sitting on – Moosh is a serious tree dweller), it’s still useful as furniture, and for about the same price as a bookcase from Ikea. So really, what do I have to lose? My Mooshie gets to climb something he’s actually allowed to, and Taco, well, Taco’s favorite sleeping spot is anywhere that I wanted to sit. His other favorite spot is in my face, and I don’t think there’s a cat toy in the world that can replace that. He’s just annoying.

Am I crazy?

Moosh on my desk. In my face. As I’m writing this.

January 20, 2013

Alas, my blog will never make me rich.

I like to read. I LOVE to read, in fact. I read a bunch of crap, like chick lit and sometimes accidentally romance novels when the cover of the book fools me into thinking it’s chick lit. I’ll read it anyway. It’s like candy. No nutritional value but it’s fun while you’re eating it. I try to balance out my crap reading with what I call “smart books,” a.k.a. non-fiction or classic novels. I don’t always make it through the non-fictions…they’re always really interesting to me at first, and then I get bored. But sometimes I don’t, which brings me to my point. Malcolm Gladwell totally keeps my interest on non-fiction subjects, so as a result I’ve read several of his books, the first being The Outliers. It’s about incredibly successful people and WHY they are successful. The basic consensus is this: successful people don’t have to have giant IQs, in fact, sometimes intelligence that high is detrimental. No social skills. IQ doesn’t measure street smarts. High-ish IQs seem to be best. But what really makes a successful person successful is luck. I prefer to call it “random advantageous circumstances” since I don’t believe in “luck” as it’s defined. And it’s not just luck, it’s being able to recognize these random advantageous circumstances and furthermore, taking advantage of them. Bill Gates is one of those people. He was in the right place at the right time with the right interests and knew to milk that shit.

Let me switch subjects for a sec. You’ll see where I’m going with this. Now, I by no means consider myself a writer. I probably should, I make my living proofreading and dabbling in copywriting. And it’s not as if I think I’m a BAD writer, really, I just realize that I’m not the best. I ramble, I can’t keep track of my tenses, I DESPISE re-reading my work to check for errors (stream of conscious writing, you know) and I don’t always have a solid point. BUT…I do adore the subjects I write about (kitties) and I have good stories.

My baby boy is so good. And cute. And lovey.

(Here’s where I put the two together.) As a smart girl, I feel like I should have done something considerable with my life. But I’m grown up and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up (cat whisperer is at the top of my list currently, but as you can read here, it seems kind of hard to break into). Since reading the Outliers, I keep that recipe for success in the back of my mind at all times. I’m always on the lookout for my million dollar idea. For the wave to ride to success. When I started this blog, it was because my cats are psycho and frankly, I don’t always believe the things they do. Writing about my crazy cat experiences is cathartic and highly rewarding (who doesn’t like favorable comments?) But I always hoped that I’d find a way to make it my million dollar idea. Well, no one’s offered me a sponsorship yet, but I decided to take it upon myself and look into getting paid via ads. Which is when I discovered that WordPress ain’t havin’ none of that. Unless you go through them and you buy your domain name. It seems rather sad to pick up my toys and leave for greener and more profitable pastures. And as of now I’m not planning to. I just needed to vent about my defunct dream. ONE MORE MILLION DOLLAR DREAM DOWN THE DRAIN!

It would help if the boys helped with the hunt for the million dollar idea, but they only search for bugs.

I also failed on the “marrying for money” idea. What can I say? I’m a sucker for love.

So if anyone knows how I can make my crazy cat stories into stacks of benjamins, hit me up, yo. I’ll be on that like a cheap suit. Until then, I’m going to see if I can get the cats jobs.

Taco is a petulant child. If you won't make room for him on your lap, he'll FIND room. Forcefully. Ah, the lie of a cat mom.

Taco is a petulant child. If you won’t make room for him on your lap, he’ll FIND room. Forcefully. Ah, the life of a cat mom.

January 16, 2013

Taco is rather unhelpful.

I brought work home tonight. This isn’t my favorite after-work activity, but I was determined to push through and get ‘er done, if you will.

It should come as no surprise that this was not to Taco’s liking, because, after all, WORK means NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO MEEEEEEEEE!

Here’s Taco LITERALLY sitting on my work.

I don’t know what kind of work you, dear reader, do, but mine involves being creative and thinking and concentrating. Not always the fun kind of creative, like blogging or photoshopping pictures of kitties, the kind that you’re glad that you get paid for. The kind of work that is really quite impossible when you have a cat sitting next to you HOWLING AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS. God forbid I make the mistake of looking over and making EYE CONTACT with him, as that is a direct invitation to jump on my lap (while continuing to howl at the top of his lungs) and step all over it, which sucks doubly because I maaaay have overdone it just a touch at the gym yesterday and my legs are currently unusable and untouchable (but I so oddly want a massage, go figure).

Here’s another angle after an aborted lap attack. Back on the work.

I managed to work through during the howl breaks and somehow get it done. Poor Taco couldn’t even get TOO excited, because immediately after finishing my dearly beloved mother called, hindering the speed in which his little mouth was fed. Fortunately for him, my dearly beloved mother is also becoming quite the technologically advanced lady and suggested I put her on speaker phone. So proud of your iPhone using, Mamacita! Props on the texting, particularly Emoji.

My workplace is very dog-friendly and I realize that is much more sensible than cat-friendly…after all, I’ve never actually met anyone allergic to dogs (although I’m sure they’re out there) but many allergic to cats and dogs are really much better with the vast population than cats…but I do wish sometimes I could work AT work with a kitty on my lap. Just one that’s not meowing. While I am the resident crazy cat lady there, I’m most definitely not the only one. Many would appreciate kitteh luv. Oh, but the chaos that would ensue if I tried to haul these freaks in my office. Sigh.

Speaking of cat-friendly workplaces, if you like lolcats and you haven’t seen LOLWORK on Bravo yet, you totally should. It’s highly amusing. I love the crazy cat lady gay guy whose sample of quotes includes “People tell me my cat is like a dog and I tell them to shut up.” It’s not the most amazing show ever but it’ll give you a giggle. They don’t get to bring their cats into work but there IS a homemade cheezburger cat mascot costume! I’ll leave you with THAT thought. Good night.

Moosh being the good son, as usual. Silent.

January 13, 2013

“Getting Back at the Cats” Day

Sometimes I like to switch things up a bit. Instead of annoying the boyfriend all day by singing rap songs (I’m super obsessed with 2 Chainz right now, because in a bad bitch contest, I’m in first place – if you listen to 2 Chainz you’ll get that, otherwise you’ll probably think I’m a misogynist or something), I get in the mood to annoy the cats. After all, they annoy the hell out of us all the time. I feel that they need to be put in their places on occasion. As luck would have it, I felt particularly annoying yesterday. So I spent the day throwing toys at them (this annoyed the boyfriend as well, he hates when I take out all 387458349 of their toys and throw them around the house), hiding them under blankets and saying “Oh dear, Taco disappeared! Wherever could he have gone?” and forcing them to sit on my lap.

HAI I’M IN UR FACE

Please leave us alone.

The best part is when you leave them alone for a bit and they settle in for what they think is peace and quiet…and then you poke them. And poke. And poke. It’s very satisfying to get them back, and the boyfriend is relieved that he’s not the target of my annoyance.

HAI I’M IN UR FACE

This morning I went back to annoying him. But there’s also beef stroganoff in the crock pot (this gives me extra points because I’m vegan) so he’ll put up with me for another day. Moosh is hiding in the closet anyway, just in case I feel like poking at him again. Taco is on the couch downstairs, but he never learns his lesson. The big dummy.

January 9, 2013

More cat hair?

Thanks to global warming, it’s balls hot this week here. You’d think that I would LIKE the heat, which I do, but I also dislike global warming (I also hate the people who refuse to believe that that’s not a “thing” – it is. Please check out maps of glaciers a year ago and the same maps now. Even the scientists are all WTF).

This is just adorable. I accept his fur.

I would also like the weather more if I didn’t so inconveniently have to go to WORK on nice days. I think it’s horribly unfair that my boss doesn’t accept “beach day” as a reason to not show up (I’m kidding, I’m TERRIFIED of breaking rules, I quite seriously have panic attacks when I attempt to, I blame catholicism in my youth).

I would ALSO like the weather more if it wasn’t a meat locker in my office constantly regardless of the temperature outside. It makes getting dressed in the morning rather difficult. I’m considering flip flops tomorrow, I guess I’ll just defrost my tootsies outside if they start looking black and dead.

I’m assuming the outside heat is going to send the cats into shed mode. I’m REALLY starting to think about shaving them now. Maybe I’ll take them to a groomer. I wish my cats weren’t so neurotic. Then I could take them places without worrying about scarring them horribly. So fragile. They certainly don’t take after their mother.